Big Critter is eleven. She has her own cell phone, and she loves to text. What she doesn’t like is to walk anywhere. She would rather be driven everywhere she wants to go, or in a pinch, to be borne by slaves in a palanquin. She says it’s not her fault, she’s just lazy, as if lazy were a congenital defect for which she should not be punished.
I give her a ride to the bus stop in the morning on the pegs of my bicycle. I do this mostly because it saves four or five minutes, which is sometimes enough to catch the bus. I don’t give her a ride home. I almost never pick her up, unless it’s really hot out (Say, more than 105).
It would have been better if I hadn’t even set that precedent, as now she feels there is a slight possibility I will do so, if only she is dramatic enough.
To set the scene:
Google maps informs me that this distance is .3 miles, or 450 meters. This is 9 laps in a pool, or 6-7 leisurely minutes’ walk.*
The temperature today was in the high sixties and low seventies, sunny, with no chance of precipitation.
It is a traffic-free walk through a quiet residential neighborhood, and she passes by her friends’ house on the way.
Here was our text exchange today. Her texts are in bold, mine are in blue.
Can u pick me up at the bus stop? Im really tired and im really hungry!!!
[I started laughing.] I am too mean.
PLEASE!!!! While i was replying to ur text the bus drove past and i was so cloe but i missed it and now im crying and im embarassed because people are near me
Less texting, more bussing.
[She added a smiley that was frowning and crying.] if you could see me youd be more sympathetic.
Maybe, but maybe not. My heart is stone.
Not funny. Ur only making me cry more. I have the snot to prove it!
I am evil. Your pain makes me laugh. Mwa ha ha ha!
Ur still not funny. Can u cut me a piece of bread for when i get home?
Yes. I will try not to laugh at your suffering. Try. No promises.
Your a jerk. I will try ot to sob uncontrollably. Try. No promises.
I am going to blog this.
Congradulations! U finally made me laugh! Go ahead, but dont leave out any details!
I only make you suffer because i love you so much.
Ur very convincing
A few minutes passed. Her sister got home from school. Her sister also complains about the walk, which is a grueling .6 miles, or 1 km, but she doesn’t have a cell phone so she can’t text me plaintively.
My phone beeped again.
I just got on the bus. Please pick me up?
[At this point, I just laugh uncontrollably.]
Im mad at u rite now
[I laugh even harder, then text back.]
Remember what i said about you losing your phone for a week if you used improper spelling and punctuation?
Yes but i was angry so i was texting faster and when i text fast i automatically use text speak
I will let you get away with it, just this once. [Of course, at this point, I am mad at myself for letting the mean mommy baton drop, but I know she will need her cell phone to arrange rides to rehearsal this weekend.]
Thank you, i am no loger angry
As promised, I have left out no details.
*I told her I swim farther than this, but she says that it’s easier to swim, because you’re in the water, in case you get thirsty. Such commanding logic.
