Stop walking on eggshells : coping when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder by Paul T. Mason
I’d heard this book recommended on various blogs and found the concept fascinating. How do you deal with people who are incapable of acting in an emotionally mature manner?
At first, I wasn’t sure if “Borderline Personality Disorder” was a real thing. I even asked that of a friend with a PhD in psychology, saying it sounded like a made-up disorder. Apparently, it’s more of a description than a diagnosis. You may know someone with BPD, but you’re more likely to know their disorder by the non-clinical terms “drama queen”, “immature bitch”, “control freak” or “insecure asshole.” People with this disorder, to simplify, get emotionally overwrought over small stimuli, demand constant reassurance, and are often so fearful of rejection that they disrupt perfectly happy relationships just so that they can have an active rather than a passive role in its inevitable dissolution. You probably know someone like this, generally either “I dated that person” or “my friend/family member is dating someone like that, and they are ruining his/her life.” Jonathan Coulton’s song “Someone is Crazy” sounds like he’s describing someone with BPD.
The author has a great deal more sympathy for people with this disorder than I do. He posits that this is a mental illness, and one should understand that it’s not the BPD sufferer’s fault that he/she does what he/she does and feels what he/she feels. I’m more of the opinion that labeling ordinary personality traits as disorders destigmatizes the disorder, but also removes the impetus to change. A person who’s told he has “laziness syndrome” feels less shame at lying on the couch all day, and less motivation to get up and do something.
Still, Mason is quick to point out that the non-BPD person should not make allowances for abusive BPD behavior. That’s the main value in this book: learning how to set good limits with someone who does not (or can not) respect your needs. Mason also says, again and again, that you are not the BPD person’s therapist. Part of this sounds like silly professional territorialism, but it’s probably refreshing and freeing to be told that you don’t bear the responsibility for fixing the problems of the people you love.
I recommend this for people who love someone whose emotional neediness and insecurity threatens to destroy everything. It’s got some useful tips.
